孔雀东南飞 英语搞笑剧本
wander severy five miles
焦仲卿johnny(jforshort)刘兰芝lunch(lforshort)
焦母johnny’s mother(jmforshort)刘母lunch’s mother(lmforshort)
太守之子mayor’sson(msforshort)强盗burglars(abandc)
prologue
(j作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,j被打中,狼狈不堪)
（j goes on the stage in the state of being beaten, who is hit by a reel of tissue paper that is thrown from the window. He is rather embarrassed, like a drowned mouse.）
j:everybody says that i’m hen pecked, but in fact,i’m a strong tiger,(小声)(in a low voice)while my
wife is wusong.
(指着上台处的门大声道)(points to door at the entrance and shouts loudly)i’m not afraid of you!
(内砸出一脸盆,j接住当成盾牌护着头)(a bason is thrown out from the window, j catches it and uses it as a nombril to protect his head)then, i’m afraid of whom!
my wife lunchi is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.she is braver than me,smarter than me and stronger than me .all this i donot care. i only want she to be tender than me. but she is not! having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中j)(one more reel of tissue paper was thrown out ,j was hit by it)
my god! who can help me?(下)(goes off the stage)
act1
(序幕结束时,jm作窃听状)( when the prologue is over. Jm is overhearing)
jm(拄拐棍上)(goes on the stage with a walking stick):i can!
(对门内)(face to the door)lunch! lunch! where are you?
l(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来)(jump out of the door with a apron and a scoop):i’m here! what’s up ，mum?
jm:i have told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother in law”.
l:ok.my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?
jm:since you married my son you have be havedso badly.you have been so rude, so brusque,so
lazy……
l:but……
jm:never interrupt me!
l:never interrupt me! since i married your son, that terrible johnny,i have been working hard all
daylong,cooking and washing. i have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken
and……
jm:but all those you have done arenot asvaluable as a grandson!
l(生气地挥动着锅铲)(shakes the scoop angrily):oh,you want a grandson,don’t you?(开始解围裙)(begins to unbind the apron)go and ask your son. i’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在jm的脸上,下)(unbinds the apron and throws it on jm’s face; goes off the stage)
act2
(lm坐在台上打毛线,l拿着锅铲上)(lm is weaving a sweater. L goes on the stage with a scoop)
l:mum, i’m back!
lm:you are back?why?what happened?
l:i was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.
lm(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情)(surprised, and then began to show an expression of gloating):see! i have already told you! when you insisted on
marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly tupid and poor, but you did not listen
to me. look at yourself……
l:but,mum……
lm:never interrupt me!
l:mum,i’m not interrupting you. i just want to tell you that you are always right ok? and
i’ll marry whomever you want me to.
lm(大喜)(quite happy):nice girl! just now, i met the mayor’s son in the market.he said:“if your daughter
haven’t been married,i really really want to marry her!”now you are free again, i ’ll go
and tell him.(下)(goes off the stage)
l(惊愕)(surprised):what? the mayor’s son?the most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood? (手中的锅
铲掉在地上)(the scoop in the hand dropped)what a silly thing i have done!(下)(goes off the stage)
act3
(j睡眼惺忪上)( not yet fully open on waking up)
j(边走边道)(he says while he walks):lunch! lunch! where are mysocks?
(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)(walks for a few steps and picks up the stocks on the ground)here they are!(闻一下)(have a smell) er! how smelly! they are still dirty!
(突然想起)(all of a sudden he rememberes)lunch has gone! i have to wash them myself.
(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)(he feels hungry)oh,i’m so hungry! but there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围
裙)this is what lunch always wears! i miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill! now
she has gone.i have to cook for my mother and myself.
jm(上)(goes on the stage):where’s my breakfast? where’slunch?hasn’t she got up yet?
j:mum, can’t you remember?lunch has gone!
jm(沉吟片刻)(keep silence for a while):well, to tell you the truth johnny, a son without a wife is suseless. lunch is an ice
girl,go and take her back!
j(立正敬礼)(on his feet and salute):yes madam!
act4
(j开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)(walks happily, suddenly three robbers jumped out)
a:hey you!stop and listen to us!
the road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)(he stamps heavily on a big stone)
b:and i planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)(another foot is stamped on a stone)
c:if you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了a的脚)(he wants to stamps on the stone, but a’s foot instead)
ab&c:give us all your money!
j(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币)(he searches every pocket,and find 1 coin):is 1mao enough?
(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)(three robbers fall in a faint and they discuss with each other)
a:what bad luck! this guy is broken!
b:if we cannot robany money today,we will havenot thing to eat tonight!
c:i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liulanzhi next month.we can go and
rob the wedding!
a&b:good idea!
j(惊讶)(surprise):what? what? lunch is going to get married? it’s impossible!
ab&c:why? a pretty girl and a richman,what a good couple!
j:but lunch is my wife! we haven’t got divorced yet!
(突然有了主意)(all of a sudden an idea struck him)i’ve got an idea!you are going to rob the wedding, don’tyou? i’ll go
with you. you take the money and i take the bride.
b:have you got any experience?
j:no. but i’ve got this!(j脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)(takes off his shoes and taks out a check, says ＄1，000，000)
act5
(转眼已到了婚礼之期．ms意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，j盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)( the wedding day is coming, ms leads the bride vigorously with a red-silk. J is pulled on the stage reluctantly with a red bridal veil)
(j和三强盗跃至台中)(j and three robbers jump into the middle of the stage)
abc&j:hey you! stop and listen to us!
a:the road is built by me!
b:and i planted one tree.
c:if you want to go by this street---
j:give us all your money!
(l听到j的声音，掀起了盖头)(on hearing j’s voice, l raised her bridal veil)
l(惊喜万分)(quite happy):johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到j的身边并躲到了的身后)(rushs to j and stays at the back of him)
(ms大怒，挥拳向j打来．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l晕倒)(ms is very angry, shake his fist to j, j squats, l is hit and fall in a faint)
j(火冒三丈)(quite angry):how dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向ms冲去）(shakes fist to ms)
(j与ms混战，jm上，以拐杖击晕ms)(j and ms fight with each other, jm hit ms successfully with his walking stick)
(j将ms胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)(j tears down the bridegroom’s card and wear it himself)
j(扶起l，关切地问)(uprears l and asks her thoughtfully):honey, how are you?
l(哭状)(cry):i hurt a lot!
j:don’t cry baby.i’ll go and fetch the medicine. (下)(goes down the stage)
l(起身去追)(chase her):wait for me! (跑下) (goes down the stage)